


Night of the Were-Cactuar

by DonttellmybrotherIwrotethis



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Alternate Transformations, Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody, Scary enemies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 07:28:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26349382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DonttellmybrotherIwrotethis/pseuds/DonttellmybrotherIwrotethis
Summary: In which Vincent does not turn into the Galian Beast and things are a lot sillier for it.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 18





	Night of the Were-Cactuar

It is noteworthy that, prior to encountering Vincent, the group of terrorists out to save the world had firmly established Cait Sith as the greatest liability within the party. During combat. He'd been talking to Aeris one morning about what he could do with his Slot Machine.

Cait Sith, like many a nerd, was happy to tell her all about his machine and mentioned that the Slots had a chance to kill everyone. (Other than battle, the competition for the dubious distinction of being the greatest overall hazard to the group was in constant flux. Sure there was a robo-cat spy, but there was also Cloud's headaches, Yuffie's thefts, and eventually there would be Cid's smoking...)

Voices echoed in the basement. "I hope you are right, I didn't bring any garlic. Or seeds. Or stakes. What about jiang-shi? Maybe I should hold my breath down here, just in case..."

"I thought it was other weird undead you worried about in Wutai? If we didn't find anything good after having to go down that deathtrap staircase, I'm gonna kill Hojo even more painfully." Vincent had been planning to rot here for his crimes, yet there were voices that started to penetrate the haze of his sleep. The name 'Hojo' in particular had started him on the way out of REM cycles.

He heard someone starting to lift the coffin lid and woke. Vincent snarled, "To wake me from this nightmare..." and slammed at the lid. He had not meant to slam it away with that much force but this was good. People should be afraid. He didn't want to have people let their guard down around him in case the beast inside got loose. He didn't do normal human being even BEFORE the experiments. Plus, he realized he might be as dangerous to them as he was to Hojo. It was better to atone for his sins here... He did his best Turk interrogation voice. "Who is it!?" Startled faces stared back at Vincent. There were different expressions on display but no Shinra uniforms or Turk suits. "...Never seen you before. You must leave."

A fluffy yellow head spoke up first. He didn't look afraid. He did, however, sound a bit irritated. "You were having a nightmare."

A woman with long hair sounded concerned. "How bad was the dream?"

Vincent was unable to conceal his confused look. Did they expect his dreams to be full of fluffy bunnies? He was a man in a coffin in the basement of a building with rotting corpses where Hojo had once been. "Hmph... A nightmare...?" These people were concerned about him having nightmares? (This was a little embarrassing now.) "My long sleep has given me time to atone." Now they should leave so he could go back to atoning, and they could go back to not dying.

"What are you saying?"

"I have nothing to say to strangers. Get out. This mansion is the beginning of your nightmare." Few people could say that without a hint of irony.

The guy closest to the coffin had a troubled look on his face and looked to the floor. "...You can say that again." This actually got Vincent's curiosity. After some more questions because hey, why not, Vincent bid them goodbye by telling them he was going to wallow in nightmares some more. The lid had only put Vincent back into darkness for a few short seconds before it was shoved aside by the blond guy and he stared at a glaring Vincent.

One dramatic coffin-exit and a long conversation later, Vincent decided that was a nice story and he was going to have to subject himself back to atonement by snoring because Sephiroth was yet another thing that was his fault. Then he changed his mind.

* * *

Aeris and Red XIII both dropped their jaws when Vincent lost control the first time.

The birds had been annoying Vincent, and he decided enough was enough. This random encounter needed to die. Vincent partly realized he was going too far with his cursed body and yet... he welcomed it. The pain was nothing compared to the boiling rage.

His limbs twisted and contorted while his body shrunk in on itself. "Uuuurgh!" His fragile shell of humanity slipped away and much to the horror of all onlookers, Vincent's entire being warped in the space of a moment...

His green limbs locked into ninety-degree angles. His face had frozen into three empty black holes. His hair was gone, replaced by a trio of spikes. Vincent the Cactuar jumped around. It ran about erratically.

A thousand needles shredded the birds before the Cactuar stopped running, toppled forward, and faceplanted into the grass. Vincent transformed back to himself and spat out a clod of dirt. He dramatically backflipped to his feet, adjusted his clothes, and holstered his gun before pretending none of the past twenty-three seconds had happened.

"What the h_ was that?! You just turned into that, creature! How did you turn into a Cactuar?!"

Vincent's response was to say, "Hojo."

"Should we be concerned about your health? Aren't you going to going to tell us more?"

"No."

* * *

Vincent became aware of the fire as he regained consciousness. There was the initial flame of the Phoenix Down which brought him to the world of the living. He had a migraine and ringing ears which indicated he'd lost himself in a monster transformation. He had a rare moment of optimism; He was face-up this time and not face-down in shredded monster entrails and cactus needles.

A stream of cuss words filled the air as Cid, the survivor of the last battle, glared at Vincent. Vincent was impressed. He had not been a sheltered person by any stretch of the imagination and yet, Cid knew cuss words that Vincent had no clue even existed. He would have to look up what $%*! meant sometime. There was an awful lot of plants, trees, and bits of grass on fire which emitted smoke.

"...You are NEVER to use that d_ bomb transformation EVER _ing again! You hear me?!"

"I... turned into a Bomb?" That explained why Cid was the survivor, he had been the only person equipped with fire materia. When Vincent looked around, he noticed the center of the scorching was at his position. "..."

This was how Vincent claimed the second place in the competition for "Greatest liability to the party during battle." At least until Cloud got manipulated.

* * *

"Wark?!"

This new transformation was completely unexpected. Yuffie covered her mouth with one hand as she snickered. Vincent glared back over his beak.

Yuffie knew she was going to pay later for this but it was too much. "Why didn't you say you and Cloud were long lost relatives!?" Now Cloud was gonna kill her too; Yuffie was beyond caring. "You're-you're...," she bent over double in mirth, "You're fluffy and adorable!"

Vincent the Chocobo shook out his black wings and chased Yuffie with murder in his birdy eyes. Since Yuffie was busy running, this left Cloud to finish off the enemies alone. This was, without a doubt the most murderous chocobo anyone had ever seen. Yuffie would even go so far as to say that it was the most murderous Vincent had ever been. She only survived because of secret Wutai skills and the fact that transforming back slowed Vincent down.

* * *

The day Vincent picked up the last transformation was when he became the greatest friendly-fire danger. The day the party realized this, was the was the day Sephiroth died. Not a clone, not Jenova, Sephiroth himself died with all his oddly-spelled glory.

The battle with the One Winged Angel was particularly brutal and Vincent had picked up a very... strange new power from Lucrecia's cave. He had a deep sense of dread about using it, and resolved the unknown power would only be a last resort. So far, he had managed to keep it contained but then , seeing Cait-Sith and Barrett near death caused a snap. Vincent's fragile mental state deteriorated and, as Bizarro-Sepiroth changed forms, so did Vincent.

Sephiroth grew taller, Vincent got shorter. In fact, Vincent's cloak remained the same as his face turned green and eyes turned into yellow orbs. Vincent blinked at the feathers and halos. He reached into his cloak, and pulled out a lantern. Then he pulled out a knife. The Tonberry blinked and toddled forward as the barrier was cast by Sephiroth. Cloud was screaming to everyone else as he cast a cure spell. Another spell removed the barrier, and the party checked if Vincent was okay. Cloud stopped screaming about Sephiroth for a moment as he took in the bald lizard-fish-monk thing walking to Safer-Sephiroth. The party started to focus on defensive barriers of their own as a deep and primal fear took over their minds. It was a _Tonberry._ Terror was the only reaction they could have. Vincent was now the greatest liability to the party. He may have been even more dangerous than Sephiroth.

Safer-Sephiroth did not have self-preservation instincts. He never would have noticed the cowering was not caused by him. He cackled while Vincent held up his lantern to get a better look at the final boss. Vincent shrugged off a supenova and then poked.

The knife went "Doink."

And thus Safer-Sephiroth met his end.

**Author's Note:**

> I have not played the spinoffs, or watched them. Heck, I haven't even played the remake. This stupid idea would not leave my head. I'd have drawn the Tonberry if I could draw. I fixed the Chocobo sound so it was the right one but I'm ignoring the dozen other errors. Thanks to the reviewers for spotting more improvements that could happen!
> 
> Also freaking talented people draw stuff! Someone drew Vincent's alternate transformations! Go check it out an comment or something if you have a profile there.
> 
> https://www.deviantart.com/sailordestron


End file.
